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Saturday, July 31, 2004

Just noticed, I've started my last four posts with 'Well'. I need to read more, obviously, although I have just read Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden and it was totally brilliant. Go read it.

Well, I got offered the job, in spite of the farce of an interview I stumbled through: "So," [asks sniggering assistant manager] "when you have you been part of a successful team?" Cue bemused silence, lots of 'ermmmm's and a blank look. I have an induction course on Wednesday, and I guess I'll be starting work this week.

I had the most wonderful mini shopping spree yesterday! I went out to find sequinned cushions and fairy lights, of which none were procured, but instead I returned home with a copy of Ed Wood (with the delightful Johnny Depp) on DVD for only £7 and a blue feather boa.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Well, I quit my job at the hotel and have an interview at Burgerking tomorrow. It may well be even worse, but I'll be working with my friend, I'll get to talk to people, I'll get paid more and there will be no rottweilers.

I got a new bed today! It's a double one (the first I've ever had) and it has a beautiful black metal frame. I chose it yesterday with my mum, and I'm ashamed to say it, but I couldn't decide whether I wanted it until I saw another teenage girl with her mum express an interest in it, because I realised it wouldn't wait around forever for me to make my mind up. All I have to do now is choose some lovely bedlinen to go with it. I'm thinking cream with deep red sequinned cushions. Mmmmm...

Monday, July 26, 2004

Well, I started my new job today. I have to stand in a tiny, boiling hot room for hours pressing king size sheets with only a rottweiler for company. Yes, I did just say a rottweiler. I can't sit down, and I have no one to talk to. All this for £3.50 an hour. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm going to apply at Burgerking.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Well, I have had quite a bit of advice about my last post. Some have said 'leave him' but my dad said he too was very like this when he was younger, and that I should concentrate on the fact that he likes to be with me. I really don't know what to do. Half of me is gutted and thinks it would be best to finish it now, and the other half thinks I should just enjoy his company and the fact that he likes hanging out with me. It's stressing me out. Maybe I need to tell him more about how this makes me feel. The thing is, I always cry whenever I have to talk about how I feel, it's like a reflex, and then I'll forget what I needed to say.

On a more positive note, I am STD-free. Yay. However, I had an allergic reaction to waxing my legs earlier, which unfortunately bring this post back to the miserable tone in which it began.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

I have this picture in my head of the girl I want to be. She looks just like me, except dresses a little better, and she's more confident than me. My boyfriend is going to Canada in September for two months and he wants us to split up for it. I'm not exactly sure why, but he says we can 'still hang out' when he comes back. The thing is, how can I be this pretty, confident, fun girl if my boyfriend can't wait two months for me? I love just chilling with him loads, but it is a considerable blow to the confidence. I can't force him to to keep going out with me but I have told him how I feel. I guess I just want to feel special, and this makes me feel pretty crap.

Well, I finally found a solution to period sex: doing it in the shower. I'm not sure how we didn't think of it before, but boy, was it fun. We shall definitely be doing it again, period or no period.
 
I keep making myself feel bad about not being pretty/funny/well dressed/interesting enough and it's like I can't stop. I know that I am pretty, although I'm still working on my style, and I need to be more confident about talking, yet still, I keep picking away at myself. I'm dumb, I know, and this week's mission is to be nicer to myself, because really, I'm not that bad.

Friday, July 16, 2004

I absolutely love magazines. I usually read More, Company, New Woman and B, although I think I must be a little young for New Woman as it has advertisements for wrinkle cream. Anyhow, this afternoon I made a wonderful discovery: Elle Girl. I always thought it was in the same league as Bliss or Sugar (I know my teen magazines) but no, it's amazingly stylish, and the American website for it encourages teen girls to use their vote. I almost cried with delight. How's this for style? It has features on: Bay Garnett, the wonders of retro design for a teen girl's bedroom, Bonds knickers, and every issue tells you how to customise things in a non-Blue Peter kind of way. The only people who will get this will probably be my fellow 17 year olds, if at all, but it made me so happy I just have to tell the world.

Monday, July 12, 2004

I was so scared about seeing the nurse, but she was so nice and it didn't hurt at all. She couldn't see a cut, but took a swab and I'll get the results in 10 days. I feel so much better now. Apparently, my cervix is 'pink and healthy'. Always good to know.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

This post is slightly graphic, just a warning.

I keep bleeding after sex, and it's scaring me. The blood always seems to be in the first inch of my pussy (can anyone think of a better word than pussy?) and it's always on the base of his penis so i think I might have cut myself, and frequency and enthusiasm of our shagging means it hasn't had time to heal. However, the nurse I spoke to on the phone this morning said it was probably an STD and I have to get tested in a few days. I'm terrified, I don't want a speculm thingy in my pussy. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick. To make it worse, the nurse seemed to think I slept with anyone who asked: "Keep having fun, but use a condom". The probelm is, everytime I use one, it snaps, and leaves bits inside me. Also, not to be too smug, but I'm not sure if condoms would actually fit the boyfriend. She also said that too much sperm coming into contact with a young cervix can cause cancer as it's acidic. Brilliant.

Sunday, July 04, 2004

I've been musing over which uni to apply for. The three I'm most keen on are University College London, York, and Leeds, and I want to study English. Yeah, I guess I am pretty ambitious, especially as UCL and Leeds rank just below Oxbridge in most league tables. Can I do it? I really really hope so. My teacher told me I could get into York, which is encouraging, as was my 100% score in January's exam. I live only 40 miles away from York as it is, but it feels too small and close. London would be ace, although expensive, but my parents studied in London and loved it, and I think they would help me out. Just been reading Lucy's post on living in halls of residence, and it sounds great.

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